Imagine that....

You are a slave


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
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Could have predicted this one....lol

10 more...

36) I love fresh, line dried white sheets.
37) I have always wanted to take fencing and Tai Chi lessons.
38) I sleep with... the Teddy Bear I got on my 16th birthday... his name is Mikey.
39) I hate loud noises.(I do listen to my music loud sometimes, but I hate things like baloons popping, and fireworks)
40) I hate to be tickled.
41) I sleep in the nude.
42) I hate the cold. Anything under 80 is too cold for me. I REALLY hate Kansas winters.
43) I love perfumes.
44) I love purses and shoes, but don't own many... and I am definately NOT a girly girl...other than the shoes and purses thing...lol
45) I love Sex and the City... Im half Samantha, half Carrie...

Intervention

I am planning an "intervention" on Thursday or Friday afternoon...
Hawk thinks that keeping me in the dark is a form of control. (yes, I know, it is...)
But I am going to take things into my own hands this time, by meeting him at his house when he gets off work. He has told me before to be more aggressive in my insistence that he is "mine"... So I guess I will. He is going to have to talk to me this way...
Im his submissive, not his doormat. I refuse to be ignored.

Changes

There are a lot of changes coming for me.
For one, no more obsessing about Hawk. If he calls he calls, and if not, fine.
Two, I am emptying my house of everything that I do not love or find useful.
Even my furniture. My slightly worn modern furniture goes to my ex-husband.
All the knick knacks that have no meaning to me get picked over by my sister, daughter, and mother, then into the garage sale they go.
The same with books. (gasp!!)
All the books I bought when I was trying so hard to be the perfect Christian wife and mother sit on my bookshelf giving me guilt trips every time I walk by... All those that I did not write personal notes in go into the garage sale, the others into the trash.
I will fill those emptied shelves with books that really mean something to me.
My dark wood antique bedroom set that my grandparents got me at an auction, while not my style, remains in my bedroom out of reverence to my grandparents, who were the only people on earth to show me unconditional love, but... I am going to paint it a lighter color. The dark is depressing, but the 4-poster bed may come in handy some day...;-)
I have a dining room table that has a smoky grey glass top that I love... But a tacky gold metal stand underneath that I do NOT love... I will find just the right thing to replace it...
My living room will go without furniture until I find just the right pieces.
My bookshelf waits for just the right books.
My walls for just the right art.
Nothing that I do not love..

still no word...

Tried to call Hawk again... nothing but the answering machine...again...
I have seen him sit in his chair, and when the phone rings, he will look at the caller ID and not answer... I just never thought he'd do that to me...

*yawn*

Amazingly enough, I have a 3 day weekend coming up. This is also Hawk's weekend off. IF I can even get a hold of him, this may be the perfect weekend to talk things out.
He is so exhausted every evening by the time he pulls that truck down the driveway at his farm every evening, all he is usually thinking about is food, a shower, and out like a light by 9 pm.
His mind works on about 6 tracks at once, but all those tracks stay in his own little world most of the time. I guess I'm just not a big enough part of it to attract very much attention.
In other news...
I think I must have a sign on my forehead saying "Fruitloops Welcome"
all the Fruitloops here in "Hick" County Kansas are constantly trying to talk me into going out with them.
They hang out in the store, and won't take no for an answer. There is no way to insult these guys, either. They think you are kidding and laugh it off.
Last night it was Marty.
Pretty nice guy, kinda cute, intelligence level stuck in the 6th grade.
Still sleeps with his ex, along with all the other men in the county. He constantly bitches about the way she treats him, and the other men she sleeps with, and then, in the same breath, tries to get me to have sex with him in the back room. Seems to be obsessed with me tying him up. Boy, is he barking up the wrong tree with that one. LOL
Sometimes its Victor, cocky, kinda cute, thinks he is God's gift to women. Spent more time in prison and jail than anyone I know: DUI, domestic abuse, drugs, beating up a cop... You name it, he's probably done it. Real winner. Rides a bike, because he has no driver's license.
Then there is his brother, Bill, who told me the other day (with a wink) that he was going to stop my and see me one of these days... And I thought, sure, bring your wife with you....LOL
Such good pickin's in the single market of Hick County Kansas.
How did I get so far off track from where I wanted my life to be??
I was never going to get married, never have kids. I was going to go to college and get two degrees, Journalism, and some type of Art...
Instead, I started dating a very sweet, submissive, man, and when he asked me to marry him, I panicked and married him, thinking if I didn't catch this one, I might be alone forever.
Now I have worked my a** off in fairly meaningless jobs, (bartender, van driver for the railroad, convenience store clerk, reporter/photographer for Hick County Newspaper)
Finally decided in 1999 to leave the hubby, (some things are just worse than being alone, I'm sorry) then met Hawk in 2001. Been in this same on-again off-again rut since then.
How do I get to where I wanted to be? I guess it's too late for that, but I need to find some other goal... If my 6 year old son wasn't doing so well in this school system, I would move first, but he is doing so well here, and they all work so hard with him developing a special plan just for him, and so much individual attention, I hate to pull him out now. My kids always come first. *sigh*
Sorry... I have been ranting again about my life, when this should be about other things... Oh well, most people have probably skipped this post anyway....LOL

15 more...(this is getting easier! 65 to go)

21) One of my favorite smells is my dog's fur.
22) I love mornings if I wake up before 5...after 5 I want to sleep 'til noon!
23) I have always wanted to be a writer/artist. I have an artist friend, and I am so jealous of him....lol
24) I love to dream. Sometimes they teach me things, or are things that eventually happen.
25) I painted my kitchen purple. :-)It and black are my favorite colors.
26) I am a "textbook" Aquarius.
27) I am usually a night person.
28) Music is constantly going in my head.
29) I get cold very easily. My ex-husband will tell you I'm just "cold blooded". lol
30) I love to laugh.
31) I identify with almost every time in history except this one.
32) I often feel like I am living someone else's life.
33) I love chinese food.
34) I don't do drugs: I hate to lose control (ironic, I know)
35) I was named after a Waylon Jennings song (no, Im not Amanda...lol)

Time in my garden

I spent some time in my garden this morning, after work. Nothing like a quiet Sunday morning, cup of coffee sitting by, pulling a few weeds, and really taking the time to see every new leaf, and bud in my small garden. Granted, its nothing elaborate, but its still my favorite form of "stress relief".
Here in this tiny town in southwest Kansas, Sunday mornings are so still, and most of the time all I can hear is the mourning doves calling. There is an old shed at the back of my garden with a large ivy patch. I set up my little garden bench there, and while the ivy slowly grows up the wrought iron legs of the bench, I sit and contemplate the meaning of life in the swirls of my coffee cup.

Some people were just meant to be alone

A very nice man I used to know. Stuart, came in to the store this morning. He was obviously glad to see me, and I can't say that I wasn't glad to see him. He said he had been working out of state for a year. We exchanged a bit of what had been going on in our lives, and he asked if my phone number was still the same. I said it was. He asked if I had a boyfriend. I didn't know what to say.
"Yes," I answered him, "sort of..."
"Sort of?" he asked,"the same situation you were in a year ago."
"Yes, the same man."
I realized that a lot of my life was going by while I was waiting on Hawk.
I thought this time that Hawk and I were going to make it work...I thought that since *she* had moved on, I had him to myself. But when he doesn't call me, or come online to chat for weeks at a time, and he won't answer my phone calls, or return my messages, what am I to think? I think, actually, that his life is too full to make time for me. No, he could, but he won't. I love him, that I am sure of. But love is never enough by itself. It could be so right between us. I don't know that I would ever trust another man enough to enter into a D/s relationship, or even want to. I want Hawk, damn it.
What will I say when Stuart calls? I know he will. I can't be alone forever... I need intimacy, and I'm not talking just sex... I need someone to care about me, think about me, someone to (occasionally) wake up to in the morning. I know that Stuart isn't looking for anything serious, maybe he isn't what I need either, but am I wasting my life waiting for Hawk to come around?? I just don't know... I love having time to myself, but I don't like being alone. I need to feel someone is there for me, and I am not feeling that from Hawk.
When we are together, I tend to forget all this... He is so strong, confident, intense, intelligent... I just love being with him so much I don't want to bring up things that would ruin what little time I have with him... But I guess it is time for me to bring it up... I can't continue being this miserable. Maybe an occasional fling with Stuart would give me what I don't get from Hawk. I am not actually a "fling" kind of girl... I tend to be very honest, and very loyal. But would I be better off trying to find a man who can give me everything I need, all in one package? Maybe there isn't such a man... Maybe some people were just meant to be alone forever, and I am unlucky enough to be one of those people....
(Seems a bit repetitive of my first entry, doesn't it... Im sorry to be so stuck on this problem! I need to concentrate more on the rest of my life.)

10 more things....(80 to go)

11) I used to be a reporter/photographer for a newspaper...but the new editor thought someone with no college degree shouldn't be writing... really she was jealous, because I got rave reviews, and she got complaints.
12) I love men with perfectly groomed, long hair.(If they are 6'4", 240, that's even better.... and on a Harley, in leather....:-P)
13) I think confidence and public strength is sexy in a man, as is private gentleness.
14) I love reading good online erotica.(addicted to Divestiture, remittance girl...thank you! lol)
15) I love playing pool.
16) I practically live in cowboy boots.(maybe there is more of this hick state in me than I thought...omg)I also wear ALOT of black.
17) I am running out of thoughts....hmmm....I love all music except polka. I tend to get addicted to new CDs... was Joss Stone's Soul Sessions, then Michael Buble, then Gretchen Wilson, and currently Los Lonely Boys.
18) I collect angels and crosses.
19) I love rituals.
20) I temd to spout first, think later... sometimes gets me in trouble.

losing ground...

I know he has asked, how it felt to be shared, and I said I didn't like it... But I still fantasize about the night with him and his best friend... And I told him I didn't want to be with another woman, but I still fantasize about *her* the night I met her, and could have experienced her...
I hope that those experiences come around again, and this time I will not listen to the "bitch" in my head telling me how terrible I am, and spouting bible verses...
there are so many things I want to experience that *she* tries to keep me away from...I just need to learn to tune *her* out...
I hate living a life that is not conducive to the real person I am inside...

100 things...(minus 90)

The 100 things about me thing is going around... although I don't think I even could come up with 100 things I know about myself, I am going to at least try...
1) I would love to move to a city, abandoning my current life and starting over.(I feel it was God's little practical joke in my life to have me born in a hick town in Kansas...and I can't seem to find my way out...*sigh*...and Dorothy worked so hard to get back in)
2) I enjoy the company of animals, books. and music more than the company of most humans.
3) There is a "bitch" that lives in my head, screaming all the things I was taught to believe in my Methodist upbringing... I feel guilt over everything...
4) Although I love my children, and work very hard to give them a happy, normal childhood, I don't think I was meant to be a mother.
5) I am usually sexually submissive, but in every other aspect of my life I am a bad ass.
6) I can't sit still through an entire movie without doing something else.
7) I love working nights (less people to f**k with that way)
8) I would love to be a phone sex girl. Can anyone tell me how to get into the business??
9) I am secretly bi-curious. (there goes the "bitch" screaming in my head again for even admitting that).
10) I am a "closet Goth".
**I already sound very repressed, don't I? anyone know a good therapist...?**

Help!!!

I am going to attempt to get some feedback from others in "the life" here about things that are going on in my life.
I had never heard of D/s until a little over 3 years ago.
I worked in a store, and every morning one of our regular customers would come in, and he made me weak in the knees with just a look, like he knew something about me that even I didn't know. We got to talking about the internet one morning, and I asked him what his yahoo nick was... when I got home, I looked up his profile... and learned, for the first time, the term D/s. I had to look it up online, I had no clue what it was... and what I found amazed me... that there were others like me, who felt a need to be submissive, I had always thought I was just "strange". I discussed this with the man, and we set up a date to meet... April 10, 2001. It was exactly 4:10 pm when I made it to the meeting spot, and I got in with him, and thus began the most amazing journey of my life.
I have had to fight that "methodist upbringing" that puts nothing but guilt into my head for just about everything I ever do. But there are things that I just can't fight. The need for Hawk, I can not fight.
He and I have had an on-again off-again relationship since that first meeting. He was involved with another that took way too much of his life... she was a trouble junkie, and a druggie, and he was bound and determined to "make a silk purse out of a sows ear" to use his words. He would call me every few months, we would get together for a week, or two, or a month, and he would stop calling, stop answering calls...
Now she is gone, and we have been back for a month or so... I really thought this was it, but shouldn't a Dom want control over his sub? I go days without any input from him... no messages, no online chatting, no phone calls... and he has only been here to my house twice, I always go to his place, about 45 miles away, but never without an invitation because I never know when he is there...even when we are together, he talks about "training" but there has been none... in three years, no sex, no games, no play, no nothing... all he ever wants is me to give him oral sex...
He gives me no rules, no things to work on, no nothing... he has no clue what I do with my days and weeks when he gets busy and doesn't contact me...
this is my only experience with the D/s life... is this normal??? This is not what I want it to be... I find it hard to trust people, and get to know new people, and looking for another Dom just seems to me to be too daunting of a task... but I have been "ruined" for a vanilla relationship now... it would never satisfy me...I know what things can be...
My writing seems to be a bit rambling today.. I am sorry for that, but I am so frustrated... I can't even get ahold of him to let him know that!!